Only I Know
by Exploded Toilet Bowl
Summary: ByaRen, one-shot. Just when everyone thinks Kuchiki-taichou is perfection, only I have seen and can tell the truth.


A/N: In the end, after much brainstorming with myself and thinking about random stuffs, I only decided that this will be **Michelle**'s (super belated) birthday fic! So thank you for wanting to do a doujin (YES you heard it! Doujinshi for Red Player!) for me, and I'm really very happy to hear that!

Excuse me if I make any slip-ups! And my Red Player will be updated, so just wait for it! Hectic period now.

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**Only I Know**

**知ってるのは 俺だけ  
Shitteru no wa ore dake**

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Hey, you!

Yeah, I'm talking to you of course! Well, who else is around here in this bar?

Why am I talking to you, you say? I've my own reasons, and I must say them out no matter what today. I mean, these are truths that people have never used their eyes to properly see or understand. And I'm getting frustrated here myself. Oh, don't walk away yet. You'll be interested in this too!

…It's about Kuchiki Byakuya!

Yeah, I knew you'd be interested. Now now, there's no one around, so take a seat. So let me begin…

You've been hearing what people say about him, right? I can tell you that those things that people say about him aren't real. Yeah, you heard me right.

Eh? About him being cool, calm and collected? Oh that! That's definitely not true.

Oh, what do you mean by him always being the Ice Prince? It's true that he is, personality-wise and _on the surface_. You don't know that deep in him he's just terribly irritable. In any case, he just doesn't show it. You want proof? There's loads, I tell you. Like that time I accidentally spilled tea on a single piece of document on his table, and he frowned so hard at me and his hand twitched like he was about to hit me. He's always like this anyway, I just don't know how people can't see it.

Eh? That's not a good example? I mean, you always see him calm in front of everyone else, right? I think that kind of reaction is already rather abnormal. Oh, so you want something more on his everyday life? But work _is_ his everyday life! Wait, _personal_ everyday life?

That- well…Oh okay, I could tell you an incident that happened awhile ago…

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The door slid open to reveal a calm and relaxed Kuchiki Byakuya sitting by his desk, reading a book with a cup of hot green tea on the table. He wore a gray yukata with a dark brown haori draped over his shoulders. It was his off-day, but…

"Sorry to interrupt, Kuchiki-taichou. Tod-"

Except said intruder stopped short when Byakuya suddenly raised his hand and pointed his index and middle finger towards the other, almost like that Hadou technique…

Renji stepped back a little and blinked at the critical look Byakuya directed at him. He asked, "W-What's wrong, taichou?"

"Hadou No. 4."

Renji widened his eyes, but found that he could not move from his spot. He stood, frozen as he watched the noble's mouth move in slow motion, a syllable after another, waiting for the incantation to be complete. His hand and leg twitched in response as the words slowly formed and left Byakuya's mouth.

"Byakurai."

White light shot right through. Renji forced his eyes shut, anticipating the pain to come.

Yet it never did.

For awhile, Renji wondered why he was still alive even though it was obvious that Byakuya had used such a lethal technique. Although, he wondered what it was that he did that made his captain so unhappy.

"W-W-W-W-What was that all about, taichou?" Renji blurted out and snapped his eyes open when he finally got over the shock. He made it a point to check over himself for any holes on his body, and was glad there were none.

"Are you really unaware?" said Byakuya as he stood up and walked towards Renji, which made the red-head inadvertently take a precautionary step back. The noble stopped very close to his vice-captain and continued very calmly, "There was this annoying dragonfly just inches behind you, making all that irritable noise. I could not concentrate on my book."

The red-head slowly turned back and looked at the ground, searching for remains of the dragonfly. Indeed on the ground, there was a tiny pile of black ash right behind him. He stood rigid, just staring at the ash as the wind took it away, scattering it in the air.

When he turned back, the Kuchiki had already gone back to his original spot with the book once again in his hands.

With all equanimity, the noble asked, "What was it that you wanted to see me?"

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Scary, isn't it? Seriously, that short-temper…

Hey, pity me a little, will you? That damned beam missed me just a few millimeters!

What? That is called 'calm'? You're mad, I say. Without saying a single thing, he shot it right at me! If that isn't called 'insane', then _you_ are!

…Okay, let's stop arguing about this then. Oh, another one that I can definitely prove wrong! You all really like to think of him as emotionless all the time, but I can tell you that this isn't the least bit true. This thing happened quite some time ago already, but well, still worth telling you…

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Renji proceeded towards Byakuya's room again today, bringing some urgent documents that required his captain's immediate attention.

"Those goddamned documents had to come this late…"

It was approaching evening already and the sky was overcast with dark clouds. Streaks of lightning flashed across the sky as loud roaring of thunder followed after every coruscation. Strangely, he felt like sitting down and watching the rain slowly, gradually descend to the ground. He wanted to listen to the 'pitter patter' sounds the rain made. He wanted to reach his hands out to feel the falling rain, and wanting it to be warm.

He felt like the sky was crying.

Shaking his head, he went on his way again, this time passing by a large, dimly lit room with its sliding door half open. He looked in and saw Byakuya sitting _seiza_ style in front of a…

_Cupboard? No…altar?_

"Kuchiki-taichou?"

The man before him twitched.

_Eh? He didn't notice me…?_

"What is it, Renji?"

_His voice…It's shaking._

"Sorry to intrude, Kuchiki-taichou. But, I think it'll be better if I came again next time…" Renji bowed as he turned to walk away.

However, the noble commanded, "Stay, Renji. What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

Turning back again, the red-head obeyed as he entered the room and immediately paid his respects to Hisana, Byakuya's late wife. He wondered if today's weather was caused by Byakuya's inner feelings as he sat beside his captain, remaining silent.

They both stayed that way for awhile until the noble suddenly spoke.

"Today…is her death anniversary."

Surprised, Renji stole a glance at his captain on his right. He saw pain, hurt, sorrow, regret, remorse, all at once in the pair of grey eyes that were claimed to be emotionless. Renji saw how hard Byakuya gripped his hakama until his knuckles were white. Even the slight furrow of the eyebrows and pursing of the lips could not escape Renji's glance.

"I wonder if I have failed her."

'_Pitter patter'._

'_Pitter patter'._

It had suddenly started pouring.

"Say, taichou. I don't know how to comfort a person at all, but…" Renji paused as he looked over at Byakuya who was staring at nothing in particular, "Take the rain to your advantage. Let it wash away all that has been bothering you all along."

It continued to pour as the heavy rain slowly washed the soil off the stone steps, the rain water seeping into the soil making the garden muddy.

"Renji. Do you mind?"

"Eh?"

Next thing Renji knew, Byakuya had thrown his head onto his vice-captain's shoulders, half of himself supported by Renji. Renji had, in return, raised a comforting hand and placed it onto his captain's back after recovering from the shock.

_It's really as if the sky is mourning for Hisana, and crying with Kuchiki-taichou. What am I lying about…? It's not gonna wash those feelings away…_

Renji smiled somewhat bitterly as he stayed that way with his captain until the rain died down.

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Well, that experience was pretty scary there too. You've never seen him like that, right? I mean, I have never too, until that time. It really struck me dumbfounded right there…

Eh? My eyes are getting wet? Sorry about that! Oh, thank you for the tissue.

Yeah, I'm alright here. Just thinking about how devoted that man can be really surprised me, and that sort of an act would surprise anybody, right? See, he's not completely emotionless! He has that weak side of him that gets out once in awhile, so you can't say he's emotionless…

What? It's getting depressing? Sorry about that then! You wanted to talk about him being emotionless.

Something else? Okay, I'll try to think about something else…

Ah! This one you'll have to hear about. This _is_ about his everyday life!

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Renji regretted staying back for a drink at the Kuchiki household. This was because it was with his squad members, who looked so highly up to him that if he did not drink, it would have been seen as pretty rude. So he drank so much that it knocked him out right there and then, resulting in a relatively bad hangover early in the morning.

Last night was a rare party that Byakuya had allowed for their squad since the Aizen-Karakura war was finally over. Even the captain himself seemed strangely relaxed and joined them all to drink as the burden was lifted off of everyone in Soul Society.

_It definitely was fun yesterday! It's been awhile since Soul Society has been this happy…_

Renji grinned as he walked his way towards the captain's room to greet the noble, and also to report that he would be going towards the office before Byakuya.

Once he was in front of the room, he knocked lightly. However, when there was absolutely no response, he slid the door open and almost died on the spot.

'Died' being he either wanted to keel over and laugh or he wanted to just leave in case the captain killed him.

The sight before him was definitely beyond memorable, and he could not ever forget this.

The great noble Kuchiki Byakuya was dressed in the shinigami clothing indeed, but the obi was tied way off from the proper position. It was, in fact, loosely tied to the side instead. The hakama was not properly adjusted, so it looked crumpled. In addition, the left sleeve was folded up carelessly while the other was falling off the noble's shoulders. Even the usually firm shoulders were sagging and the handsome prince face looked absolutely _horrible_.

_That _Kuchiki Byakuya was the very definition of 'disheveled' and 'messy'.

Those words were also the complete opposite of what 'prim and proper' meant.

Renji inadvertently chuckled, which caused the Kuchiki to glare daggers at his vice-captain. Renji suspected it was the hangover, despite his own throbbing one. Perhaps the other really could not stand too much alcohol while the red-head was already used to this.

Sighing, Renji stepped in and closed the door, seeing as the noble needed help.

In a very low and hoarse voice, the noble gritted out, "Do _not_ tell anyone about this, or else."

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See? This proves he isn't the least bit prim and proper!

Oh no, I won't get killed, so you don't have to worry about my position!

Will he slaughter me? Of course not! I'm a valuable asset to him, so he won't kill me for sure. How can I be so sure, you ask? Well, that I can finally tell you the last point I want to prove. This, you may be shocked to hear, but I can tell you that this whole thing is true.

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It had been a good six months ever since the Aizen-Karakura war and everything returned back to normal. His life in Soul Society resumed back to when nothing happened, and everything was peaceful, and when paperwork still piled up like never before.

Except there was only one thing which changed: feelings.

He never expected things to turn out this way. Once, he even pondered if things would be this way if the war never happened. Renji thought hard about his position as a vice-captain. If he never took on this position, would he have even met Kuchiki Byakuya? Could he possibly proceed the way he is currently even if he was not Kuchiki Byakuya's vice-captain?

He decided that this turnabout of events was both good and bad. The good thing would be that he had definitely opened his eyes to more things around him. Before his promotion, he was only a mere shinigami full of potential. Now that he had advanced his way up, he had expanded his potential even further than before, and because his captain was someone he had always admired, it made him feel even more compelled to improve himself. He loved his standing now, and realized that there was still so much that he could do to aspire even higher.

The bad thing was…

"Renji. You have been spacing out since five minutes ago. Your brush has not moved one bit. Is anything troubling you?"

Renji hurriedly shook his head and went back to staring concentrated at his paperwork, brush back into his writing position.

The bad thing was, he had not expected Kuchiki Byakuya to be showing the slightest bit of concern for someone like him. He knew he was rowdy, rude and hot-tempered. Those were his bad points, yet that was something his captain did not mind.

_Or say, tried to change. Sure, I know I've gotten better especially speech-wise, but I still don't get why he likes this part of me._

Furthermore, just two weeks ago, he had not expected his captain to one day enter the office much later than normal with…a rose. That single, elegant rose shocked Renji as Byakuya sat down by the desk, leaving the flower right on the captain's desk. Byakuya then continued to work as if he hadn't come in late. That time even Renji forgot his morning greeting and that did not even bother the noble the slightest bit. Then towards the end of the day when they were both done with the work, the flower, still looking as fresh as ever, was presented before Renji himself.

The red-head had stared really hard at the rose for a good ten seconds before asking for whom it should be delivered to. Apparently, it was not to be delivered to anyone else, and neither was it for Rukia. It was for Renji himself.

…Until now, Renji had not been able to properly thank the noble for the flower because he found it difficult to say anything about it, and also, _why the heck did he give me a rose? Of all things, a goddamned rose! I'm not a woman! And that's not the issue here…why me anyway?_

Renji really didn't want to think about something like that. It was difficult. Relationships bothered him to no end and it made him feel strange and weird. Facing someone like _Kuchiki Byakuya_ in terms of a relationship was _way_ out of what he had expected ever since becoming the Sixth Squad's vice captain.

Finishing his document, he set the brush back down and looked at it. _At least my handwriting became much better than before! Kuchiki-taichou's gonna be pleased about it!_

…_Hold on. Why do I have to do it for him? I do it because I'm pleased about it when it turns out nice too! Yeah, it's always because he's nagging me about my handwriting so I'm only working on it because I __**have**__ to…_

After his internal debate, Renji picked up the stack of documents that were completed for the day and placed it in front of Byakuya to have it checked over. The noble scrutinized the documents and nodded approvingly at every one of them. Renji had a small grin on his face as Byakuya commented, "Good work, Renji. Your handwriting has improved considerably. I believe the suggestion of calligraphy lessons with me is unnecessary."

"So can I-"

Byakuya interrupted, "If you may, I will reward you for your work."

"Eh?" Renji wondered what wonderful rewards await him as he had a look of expectance at his captain. The other stood up from his seat and walked towards Renji.

All the noble did was a simple peck on the forehead of his vice-captain, although he had to tip-toe a little.

And all Renji could do was stare at the smiling noble before him, wondering what had overcome the great Kuchiki Byakuya before him. Because that kind of action, was nowhere near _showing concern_.

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Seriously! And this is why I am so troubled. Do you understand? This isn't right, isn't it? I mean, all I did was finish my work properly and I deserved that little peck on my forehead? What has Soul Society become of? That kind of action definitely wasn't concern, I can tell you. If I daresay, it's more of like…it's more of like.

He likes me.

…

Hey! Oi, don't go! I haven't actually-!

No, I'm not crazy! I'm not drunk either. I'm not even _slurring_ my words! I'm just really, _really_ troubled so I have to tell someone or I'm going to burst from my frustrations! I'm definitely not making these things up because I don't have the energy to do that and the time to do that!

Look, could you just sit down for a while longer? I know. I know it's tough to believe. But you see, he's only human enough to feel such things after all. You people say he doesn't feel love, but he does! Just…well just not the way I expected it to be.

Oh, wha-? No, for the last time I'm not lying! Hey! Hey!

Fine! Just go! It's okay. You're only the fifth person who doesn't believe me…

…

…

Why does _no one_ believe me?

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A/N: Because, Renji, your tattoos already make you look like a joke. And no I'm kidding.

Plotless stuff is plotless. –stabs self at massive fail-


End file.
